Journeying through life, I struggle with one thought, am I enough?
When I look into the mirror, all I see is hurt, pain, disappointment, and fear. Staring back at me is blackness, scars, destruction, and voicelessness. Does everyone else see what I see? Can they see the hate I have within me?
Every day I wake up, I refuse to look into the mirror. Despising the image that I see in front of me because I do not feel I’m beautiful. When I look at other black women, freshness, confidence, radiance, and beauty is what I see in them that I do not see in me.
Pictures to me show all my imperfections, my awkwardness, my inability to have a simple skincare regimen. The fact I was never a hair person, let alone a make-up type woman. I am not the standard of beauty, nor do I feel like the norm. The reality, I’m not beautiful, and I know it.
Growing up, I remember people telling me how beautiful I was. I felt superior, validated, and vindicated from my struggles. As I grew others bullied me because I was the ugly girl, I did not come from money, and I had a scare on my chest from open-heart surgery. People started to see all my insecurities and made me feel inferior.
I became older, started to love me again. My sense of peace, strength, and wholeness became a reality. Once again, I had my breakdown in beauty. I no longer cared about my self validity but rather seek validation from those around me. I solicit encouragement from others, whether it is family validation, outside influences, or social media responses I need validation.
I remember an interview I heard with Aeysha Curry. So many people bashed her comment when she said;
”Something that bothers me and honestly has given me a sense of a little bit of insecurity, is the fact that there are all these women throwing themselves [at Steph], but me, the past 10 years, I don’t have any of that, I have zero — this sounds weird, but — male attention.”
I relate to Mrs. Curry because my husband gets attention and yet, I don’t feel men look at me.
Yes, this type of validation isn’t sufficient, but when you have been picked apart, broken down, and have the constant anxieties of not being accepted as I have, you may feel these validations are needed. The ugly truth, I care how others perceive me.
As I embark on my journey through life, I hope and pray that I continue to show myself, I’m all I need and more. I hope I can break down the stereotypical barriers.
I’ve started therapy, yoga, meditation, reading, this blog, and focusing on self-love instead of outside validation. I can’t make people value me, only I can value myself.
I am PRICELESS!
Am I enough? The short answer is, YES!
Today I challenge you to sit down and compartmentalize yourself. Tell yourself you are MORE than enough.
The ugly truth is I’m a work in progress and hope you’re ready to ride on this journey.