Today’s post is one that is really near and dear to my heart. It is not the easiest one to write, but I feel so many families can relate.
The past 14 years, have been such an up and down rollercoaster ride. Out of those 14 years, the first 5 years, made me want to get off the ride, never to return. For 5 years, I cried more than my entire 37 years on Earth.
From 2006 to 2010, I second-guessed myself as a Christian, as a wife, and worse, I questioned myself as a woman.
To catch you up, 10 years ago, I was blessed and highly favored with my Rainbow baby. For those unfamiliar with the term Rainbow Baby, A Rainbow Baby is;
“a healthy baby born after losing a baby due to miscarriage, infant loss, stillborn or neonatal death”.
The story begins when I was a young vibrant 23-year-old, a college student. I fell head over heels in love with this debonair southern gentleman. Throughout our relationship and now 13 years of marriage, we had ups and boy did we have downs. We struggled with finding ourselves and each other while dealing with unimaginable situation’s
In the summer of 2009, I found out I was pregnant with my eldest daughter. I looked my husband right in the face and said, “if this one does not work out, I’m done”
B. was done with the excitement of having a baby. Tired of the sleepless nights, belly stretches and having all the feels a woman gets when a baby is inside her kicking. Tired of seeing baby ultrasounds and picking out names for child(ren) I would never have.
I was burnt out and unsure if I would survive another child’s death.
Losing a child is the hardest thing a woman has to deal with. It’s not only an emotional toll but a physical toll on our bodies. Losing one child is incomprehensible, losing 4 was catastrophic. Out of all our losses, the hardest was when we gave birth to a set of twins while I was only 5-months pregnant.
Going into the hospital at 5-months not knowing what the outcome would be was complicated. I lost so much blood that I was literally knocking on death’s door. We gave birth to two beautiful babies 1-boy and 1-girls a day apart. To add insult to injury they were born and both died the day before and the day of Mother’s Day.
For years and yes even recently, I beat myself down. I told myself I was worthless, and that God hated me. I told myself I was a heathen, and I could never be a mother. I secretly hated my friends who had children and beyond pissed every time I heard about a baby born at 4 or 5 months, with no complications. Why? Because God took my babies away from me.
I told myself, B, you should have,
- went on bedrest earlier
- eaten better
- You shouldn’t have tried to juggle work and school while pregnant
- known your heart problem was serious, it’s your fault for trying to have kids
The list was endless
Until therapy, I still blamed myself for everything that happened with every child we lost. I blamed myself because it was easier. Rather than admitting the stars aligned not the way I wanted, but the way God intended, I felt shame and guilt which made it harder to love myself.
Today, I’m happy to say I have two wonderful, beautiful very vocal girls. They are the apple of my eye and I would die for them. Even through my happiness, I still carried the guilt and the what-ifs.
Giving birth to my girls did knock out all my doubts. I didn’t go on bed rest with either, my eating habits were whatever I wanted. While pregnant with my eldest I worked 2 retail jobs, finished up my senior year of college with a full college load (and getting straight A’s) and prior to being pregnant with the eldest, I had a 3rd open heart surgery, which I believe was God’s divine plan this whole time.
Will this guilt, hurt, pain ever go away? I honestly do not know. What I can do, is embrace the gifts that God did provide me. I can use my experiences to help others coop. I am who I am now because God allowed me to deal with defeat.
If you or someone you know have experienced this, I’m here to tell you, sis, you will get through this. Just put God first, and surround yourself with the right people.
Until next time-B.